have i learned? have i changed?

Ugh.  It's exactly a year since R left for rehab. I was so hopeful, so high, so relieved, so grateful he was going to be the hell out of the house for a month.  I am none of those things today.  Just a crappy day, crappy time at work with the merger about to happen, jobs changing or going away.  Jaw hurts, neck and shoulders hurt, I ate complete crap today and I'm still gaining weight because apparently I am a carb stress-eater.

Thinking of my Dad a lot today, not sure why. Maybe because I know he would have liked the hawk and eagle cams I watch. I remember how he told me as a kid he used to throw firecrackers into the boiler of the upper east side building where he grew up, and how as a young adult he flew a plane around the WTC in NYC. Crazy kid. I have my favorite model plane of his, "Avanti", hanging in the house. Always makes me think of Dad, let's go!, onward and upward!

I'm chasing serenity - the bastid comes and goes.  I am going to the gym though, currently into cardio classes.  Trying to psych myself up for running again.  Tai Chi has been great, my core got stronger, my body more flexible, I like the forms.  Just that I need to move around a lot more to get the ya-yas out.

I think at this time one way I will advance my serenity is by better learning to compartmentalize, which perhaps because of my self-diagnosed ADHD has always been difficult.  I'm not even sure I know what I'm talking about when I proclaim "compartmentalize!".  I cannot do it all, do it all at once.  I do NOT have to be codependent because I HAVE grown and DO recognize how that codependence shows up in me.

So, for now I will deal with work.  I will finally start reading the book recommended to R and I, and I will remind him that we're each supposed to be reading our copies.  After vacation in August, we will be back into the school routine and work will presumably have shaken out somewhat.

Then I will work on lifting the weight and finding freedom.  Avanti.