Well, this doesn’t really have to do with leather. When I ride my motorcycle on the street and wear my thick, protective leathers that I race on the track with, I have courage. Maybe too much for a street situation, but maybe just the right amount to bring the confidence in my ability up to where I should rightfully be.
Yesterday R and I had a meeting with a counselor. I found it interesting that, as we gave background on ourselves, R used the phrase “Ann wants to break up the family.” I was proud of myself for not jumping right on that one and for keeping my trap shut. YOUR UNCHECKED ADDICTION IS WHAT IS BREAKING UP OUR FAMILY YOU ASSHOLE!!! I didn’t really have to fight it too much, actually.
Today’s Thought emailed to my inbox has to do with courage. I had just put my “Courage” ring on several days ago as a good reminder of how strong I am.
Courage… ”we boldly do what feels right”, even though “breaking up the family” sounds so wrong on many levels.
Courage… “does not require going into battle”. I remember that I’m done “making a case” over everything – I don’t have to justify, rationalize, convince or explain my feelings to anyone, they just are. I believe there are precious few people who really understand what it’s like, emotionally and psychically, to live with an active addict or mentally imbalanced person. And that is ok, it’s not their experience nor is it my duty to educate or immerse them.
Courage… ”be honest with ourselves and others, to decide to change behaviors”. I am grateful for my alcoholic, for I never would have had the courage to discover so much about myself along the way. Actually, I’m pretty sure I’d never even have an inkling that there was such a thing to discover worthy of pursuit.
Courage…”to leave destructive relationships”. Therein lies the rub.
I pray for courage one day at a time.
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